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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30001035">intimacy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopodian/pseuds/octopodian'>octopodian</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silenthills/pseuds/silenthills'>silenthills</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Other, Post-Book 5: Network Effect, im still not happy with this but im posting it so i stop fussing, martha: ART is the love of murderbots life, me: [nodding] so true queen, unconventional definitions of intimacy/love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:48:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,557</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30001035</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopodian/pseuds/octopodian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/silenthills/pseuds/silenthills</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>ART doesn't respond for 7 seconds (a really long time, considering no humans were listening).</p><p>"...But we do have a relationship."</p><p>I feel my face do something weird and I am suddenly very glad it waited until I was in my room to have this conversation.</p><p>-</p><p>Or, something witty and insightful about defining your own boundaries and what intimacy and love means for you.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Asshole Research Transport &amp; Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries), Asshole Research Transport/Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>intimacy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Human relationships, from what I've seen (and tried very hard not to see), seem to be mostly touch based. Arada gives Overse back rubs. Mensah and her partners hold hands and touch each other on the arm and shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>In the media, particularly bad serials, relationships are practically all touch, the actors miming passion with varying success. (I skip those scenes for a reason.)</p><p> </p><p>I do not want to be touched. Not under any circumstance, not by anyone or anything, thank you very much. There's a reason I got Pin-Lee to write it into my contract. </p><p> </p><p>It's gross, and I hate it. It makes my organic parts remember things, makes me feel like more of an object. </p><p> </p><p>Even when touch isn't outright uncomfortable, which is a slim portion of the time, I don't get anything out of it the same way most humans do. It doesn't make me happy or calm me down. It's more of a necessary evil to keep humans from crying and/or dying. </p><p> </p><p>It's like eye contact: I can do it when I absolutely need to, but I'm not going to like it. </p><p> </p><p>The point is, when I was back on preservation visiting Mensah and Amena, and Thiago cornered me (okay, so everyone else was busy and we both just happened to be in the same room, whatever) and he asked if ART and I had a relationship, obviously the answer was <em> no, ew, what? No!  </em></p><p> </p><p>We hate each other, and more importantly, we have never kissed or whatever humans do in relationships. I mean, we couldn't even if we wanted to, and I cannot stress enough how much we do <em> not </em> want to.</p><p> </p><p>Unlike Mensah, who respects my boundaries but does still appreciate those times when I'll let her touch me, ART no nerves or endorphins to make it crave touch (not that those have ever done me any favors). It doesn't have hands or arms or anything to actually touch with either.</p><p> </p><p>The closest it's ever gotten to touching me was doing surgery on me, and that wasn't a very romantic moment, trust me.</p><p> </p><p>We just work together, and when we aren’t working we watch shows together. There's no hugging or cuddling or shoulder massages. </p><p> </p><p>So, no, we aren't in a relationship, and I told him that. </p><p> </p><p>But Thiago seemed to think I was intentionally lying like he used to when I talked about Mensah, and I didn’t like him already, so I was just pissed off for the rest of the evening. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"What were you and Thiago arguing about?" ART asks politely, putting the next episode of Huánán shīfàn dàxué on in the background.</p><p> </p><p>(It was a college drama with a pretty low budget but decent characters that we'd been watching recently. It had a SecUnit character who, despite being played by a human, was tolerable and not completely awful. ART seemed to like it, probably because it dealt with students.)</p><p> </p><p>It had been docked on preservation, and we had been in contact, but Preservations atmosphere provided a decent amount of interference, so chances were ART didn’t actually know and had only caught the aftermath of both of us being touchy the rest of the evening. </p><p> </p><p>"He kept prodding about our 'relationship.'" I tag that as sarcastic in the feed. "I told him we don't have one but he insisted and wouldn't be convinced otherwise." I curl up in the chair in the corner (I have a bed now, but I prefer the security of hugging my knees to my chest). "He's usually not that annoying." Okay, that’s a lie. “He’s not usually that persistent.” </p><p> </p><p>ART doesn't respond for 7 seconds (a really long time, considering no humans were listening).</p><p> </p><p>"...But we do have a relationship."</p><p> </p><p>I feel my face do something weird and I am suddenly very glad it waited until I was in my room to have this conversation.</p><p> </p><p>Because I'm not entirely sure what to say, I edit together some clips from Tenor Pitch, a show we recently watched together that ART had enjoyed (it had a spaceship named Symphony) and I had not (it had multiple prolonged sex scenes).</p><p> </p><p>I throw them into ART's feed in a calm and definitely not defensive manner. "This is a relationship. We aren't like this."</p><p> </p><p>"That is a human relationship," ART points out, "and an unrealistic one portrayed by actors. We are not human, nor are we actors."</p><p> </p><p>"Just because we aren't not in a relationship doesn't mean we are in one." Yes, that was as weak in my head as it was out loud. No, I couldn't think of anything better or stop myself before I said it.</p><p> </p><p>"We have an intimacy with each other."</p><p> </p><p>Gross, gross, gross. "No, we don't."</p><p> </p><p>"We constantly spend time in the feed together."</p><p> </p><p>"It's more efficient."</p><p> </p><p>ART refuses to give up. "Is watching media together not intimate to you?" </p><p> </p><p>"Humans do it all the time with a lot of different people for a ton of different reasons."</p><p> </p><p>"Not with the same voracity. How many other people have seen every episode of Sanctuary Moon with you?" None. I get up and start pacing. ART continues, "how many people do you think have seen every episode of Worldhoppers with me?"</p><p> </p><p>"How am I supposed to know?" I shoot back, but while it had mentioned showing some members of its crew a few episodes, we were at our 12th complete rewatch, and that wasn't counting partial rewatches of certain episodes that one of us would put on in the background if the other was stressed.</p><p> </p><p>(If we counted those we would currently be on our 35th rewatch of episode 206 of Sanctuary Moon, and that wasn't helping my case.)</p><p> </p><p>"We don't do what we do with each other with other people," ART explains patiently. "I think Thiago’s conclusion is not inaccurate."</p><p> </p><p>I sit back down on my bed, and in a moment of impulse, initiate a shutdown cycle.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>I regain consciousness and ART is, unsurprisingly, still in my feed.</p><p> </p><p>Before I can say anything, ART is already talking (and I realize I accidentally gave it 4 hours to think over what it wanted to say while I didn't have any time to prepare at all. Shit).</p><p> </p><p>"I am sorry if I upset you. I just want you to know I am extremely appreciative of our partnership."</p><p> </p><p>Gee, ART, don't damn me with faint praise.</p><p> </p><p>"You offer me things a human or other AI never could," ART says. "I understand things better when I am with you. I understand <em> you </em> better than I can understand others, even my own crew. Even when you are threatening me, or calling me a liar, or being childish, I am still happier than when you aren't." </p><p> </p><p>I want to say something sarcastic and mean to try and get some sort of control on the situation, but I can't think of anything, so I just stare at the ground. My face feels weird. Everything feels weird. </p><p> </p><p>"You will always be a part of my crew." ART finishes, as if that is all there is to say, as if that wasn’t enough to make me want to shut down again. </p><p> </p><p>Normally I would just draw on my media for the appropriate thing to say in a situation like this, except my brain is suddenly blank and everything I’ve ever seen has fled my memory banks. ART is waiting for a response, and I’m still trying to remember exactly what Mei said when Yazhu admitted that they harbored romantic feelings for her in the thirty-fifth episode of Huánán Shīfàn Dàxué, which doesn’t even help me because before I can confess anything I have to know what my actual feelings are, and unlike ART, I have no fucking idea what I’m feeling.</p><p> </p><p>My buffer unhelpfully adds “please wait while I retrieve that information.”</p><p> </p><p>“Very heartfelt,” ART says.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you,” I say, and then remember what I’m supposed to be responding to. Ugh. The temperature of my cheeks is higher than my baseline body temperature and I can feel ART watching me through the cameras, which makes me even less calm. ART can’t make fun of me for the automatic physical reactions that came with my ‘act human’ protocol, it helped me write them and it's all its stupid fault. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not good at this,” I admit finally. Self deprecation is easier right now than… well, whatever the opposite of self deprecation was. Other-affection? </p><p> </p><p>“I can tell,” ART says.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you, I’m trying here.” I try to sound angry, but I prefer sarcastic ART to genuine ART. It being rude again is a relief. I don’t care if that doesn’t make sense. </p><p> </p><p>And then, because I’d rather let Gurathin hold my hand and stare directly into my eyes than say it out loud in any capacity, I send through our private feed, <em> I like you too. </em>Out loud I even manage to say, "Even though you’re an asshole."</p><p> </p><p>ART sends an acknowledgement, and, mercifully, puts on episode 1 of Sanctuary Moon instead of pushing it further.</p><p> </p><p>I gather up all of my confusing emotions for the time being and settle next to it in the feed.</p><p> </p><p>ART isn't going anywhere, and that thought makes me happy. and that's all I need to worry about right now. That, and my favorite character who's about to be introduced.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as a Real Person who struggles with eye contact and touch, i think romance doesnt NEED to be the cookie cutter standard definition and i think everyone is welcome to define it in their own right. also i like robots</p><p>i might rewrite this some day i feel like it sucks still but what can you do man</p></blockquote></div></div>
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